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How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

How Not to Be Defensive in Relationships

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5 ideas  ·  21 reads

"There's no prize in winning other than self-satisfied loneliness."

4 reads

On Criticizing Our Partner

  • Maybe you're criticizing them for their bad habits, e.g. Drinking, Addictions, Not Enough Exercise, Poor Money Management, etc.
  • There are no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners.
  • By attacking our partner with clinical energy, we reduces our chances  of ever reaching the real goal : the evolution of the person we have to live with
3 reads

On the Receiving Side

  • What makes us bristle and deny everything generally isn't generally the accusation themselves.
  • We know our flaws far too well.
  • We know the other person is right, we just can't bear to take their criticism on board, given how severely it's been delivered.
  • We start to deny everything, not because the accusations are wrong, but because we are too terrified; the light of truth is shining too bright.
  • The fear is that if we admitted our failings, we would be crushed, shown up as worthless, required to attempt an arduous, miserable process of change without requisite sympathy.
3 reads

The Answer

  • Both sides must be ready to evolve, and during this process of evolution give and take sympathy and vulnerability with each other.
  • Both partners accept that they are flawed, but not - on this basis - ever beyond the need for love and kindness.
  • Take and give a well-considered criticism, layered by both,  reassurance and sympathy.
  • We need to be generous enough in our love in order that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong.
3 reads

"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."

8 reads

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