No-Drama Discipline
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Connection Moves a Child from Reactivity to Receptivity
However we decide to specifically respond when our children misbehave, there’s one thing we have to do: we must remain emotionally connected with them, even when—and perhaps especially when—we discipline.
Ask Yourself a Question Before Redirection
There’s a great question we can ask ourselves before we begin redirecting and explicitly teaching: Is my child ready? Ready to hear me, ready to learn, ready to understand?
Have Parental Empathy While Disciplining
A No-Drama response to a tantrum begins with parental empathy. When we understand why children have tantrums—that their young, developing brains are subject to becoming dis-integrated as their big emotions take over—then we’re going to offer a much more compassionate response when the screaming, yelling, and kicking begin. Viewing it with empathy and compassion will lead to much greater calm and connection than seeing it as evidence of the child simply being difficult or manipulative or naughty.
Parent by Example
Ultimately, our job is to give unconditional love and calm presence to our kids even when they’re at their worst. Especially when they’re at their worst. That’s how we stay receptive instead of going reactive ourselves.
Discipline is Actually About Teaching
The word “discipline” comes directly from the Latin word disciplina, which was used as far back as the eleventh century to mean teaching, learning, and giving instruction. So, from its inception in the English language, “discipline” has meant “to teach.”
Think Long-Term Rather Than Only In The Moment
Whenever we discipline our kids, our overall goal should not be to punish or to give a consequence, but rather to teach. Punishment might shut down a behavior in the short term, but teaching offers skills that last a lifetime.
Connect, then Redirect
Once we’ve connected with our child and helped her calm herself so she can hear us and fully understand what we’re saying, we can then redirect her toward more appropriate behavior and help her see a better way to handle herself.
3 Key Questions to Ask Yourself
Before you respond to misbehavior, take a moment to ask yourself three simple questions:
- Why did my child act this way?
- What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?
- How can I best teach this lesson?
Our “Autopilot” Reactions Only Make it Worse
When we discipline with threats—whether explicitly through our words or implicitly through scary nonverbals like our tone, posture, and facial expressions—we activate the defensive circuits of our child’s reactive reptilian downstairs brain. We call this “poking the lizard,” and we don’t recommend it because it almost always leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child.
REDIRECT Steps
The word REDIRECT can spell a helpful acronym:
- Reduce Words (Don’t lecture, keep it simple)
- Embrace Emotions
- Describe, Don’t Preach
- Involve Your Child in the Discipline (dialogue, not monologue)
- Reframe a No into a Conditional Yes
- Emphasize the Positive
- Creatively Approach the Situation
- Teach Mindsight Tools (Empathy and Self-Awareness)
Teach by Asking Your Child Questions
Instead of lecturing your child, think about how you can reframe what you want your child to learn into the form of questions. Questions force your child to think for themselves instead of you thinking for them. Instead of saying, “you really hurt that person’s feelings!” ask them, “How do you think your choices made that person feel?” It may seem unnatural to ask a question you already know the answer to, but as you see the lightbulb moments going off in your child’s head, it will be worth it and it will become more natural to you.
