The No BS Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries in Real Life

The word “boundary” can leave the impression of separation.

But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.

• Boundaries improve our relationships and self-esteem. They protect relationships from becoming unsafe.
• Boundaries can be flexible. It’s good to think about them occasionally and reassess them.
• Boundaries allow us to conserve our emotional energy. Without them, self-esteem and identity can be affected, and you can build resentment toward others.
• Boundaries give us space to grow and be vulnerable. 

Our boundaries are shaped by

• our heritage or culture
• the region we live in or come from
• whether we’re introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in between
• our life experiences
• our family dynamics

Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from person to person. You can investigate and define your boundaries with self-reflection.

• Once you identify your rights and choose to believe in them, you’ll find honoring them easier. For example, I have a right to be treated with respect. 
• Check-in with your body (heart rate, sweating, tightness in the chest, clenched fists) to understand what you can handle and where the boundary should be drawn.

• Identify 10 important values. Then narrow that list to three. To understand if you have strong and healthy boundaries, reflect on how often those 3 are challenged.

How to draw your lines with confidence.

• Be assertive. Assertive language is clear and non-negotiable, without blaming or threatening the receiver. Be assertive using "I statements."
• Learn to say no. You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional labor to the person you’re saying it to.
• Safeguard your spaces. For example, use the Do Not Disturb feature on your phone and other devices.

• Watch for cues. Possible hints someone might want more space: avoiding eye contact, limited conversation response, turning away or sideways.
• Be inclusive of neurodiverse behaviors. These are people who live with autism, are on the spectrum, or who have other developmental disabilities. Their social cues may be different from the norm.
• Ask. You can inquire if a hug is OK or if you can ask a personal question.